It's so crazy to look back years and years and see where I was then and who I am now. It's a little sad to know that some of the things I was so insecure about then are still haunting me now. They affect my relationships, my energy levels, my happiness. I guess I need to be willing to work even harder, or let go a little more, or just be kept accountable by people. I never did make it to California. I did, however, make it to Ireland and England and Scotland and Wales and Croatia and Vancouver B.C., Washington, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Washington, Oregon, Colorado, Wyoming and Quebec Canada! I did a DTS and I got my heart shattered like never before, I followed God to Quebec for a screen acting school and realized how much I love and am gifted in acting, I met and fell in love with my best friend and now I am struggling to be better because I need to be and I want to be the best for him or risk losing him. I feel like a fraud sometimes. Like I'm just a nice girl who doesn't really have a lot to offer. I can be selfish and fearful and a people pleaser. I've come a long way in those things, but not far enough. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm supposed to go home in a couple weeks with Pablo. We're going to meet my family. I'm afraid of the next step. Our plan was to go to Chile and get married in the Spring. I'm praying that is still the plan. I guess I just need to relinquish control to God again. Everything is in p r o c e s s...

HOLY WAH! its been a long while!
i dont really know how to maneuver this stuff so i went and got a tumblr instead. its way simplr. hahahaha.
anyways.

dont know what to say.
too much to say i guess.
ive changed.
A LOT.
in a short ammount of time.
not sure what to think about it either...
I'm moving soon.
To Florida.
Gonna stay with my bro bro cause hes the best dude ever.
Then in August I'm moving to Oceanside, CA or L.A. whichever I can afford.
I'm gonna be famous one day, you know.
Gotta start somewhere awesome!!!!!

i love Jasmine Cupp.
<3

P.S. this is why I love Todd Hatfield so DAMN MUCH!
[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:42:25 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
did you hear about dennys "adopting"touring bands?

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:42:31 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
free food!!!!!

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:42:36 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
if you get selected

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:42:41 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
i signed us up

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:42:35 PM] mandidisaster: WHAT?!?!?!!?!!!?!?
[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:42:37 PM] mandidisaster: OMG.
[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:42:40 PM] mandidisaster: thats the best thing EVER
[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:43:09 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:43:18 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
AND.....

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:43:36 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
you get to have after parties there

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:43:39 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
hahaha

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:44:16 PM] mandidisaster: oh.
[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:44:17 PM] mandidisaster: my.
[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:44:21 PM] mandidisaster: Dennys just won all
[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:44:22 PM] mandidisaster: hahahaha
[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:45:21 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
efffing slamburgers!

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:45:33 PM] pistolwhiphxc:
egg yolk in muh beard

[Wed Feb 11 2009 11:45:45 PM] mandidisaster: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA

I am alive.
I am well.
God is precious.
Being still in His presence is priceless.
I've learned not to take life so seriously.
God wants us to enjoy life.
He doesn't want us to waste it by worrying or trying to have everything figured out.
All He's really asking is for us to trust Him and love Him.
He really can handle the rest:)
I need to not worry so much about silly things.
I want to find my husband and love him with all that i've got.
I am working on becoming a woman WORTHY of a husband.
Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get married and if I do I'll be silly and settle for someone who isn't really what I'd hoped for...
mainly because it's so rare to find good guys it seems.
Men. Who passionately love God and really truly KNOW Him.
Who want to provide for their families.
But who love to be silly and random and have fun.
Who don't look at porn or constantly think about nothing but girlsgirlsgirlsgirls...
I think that I'm a pretty great girlfriend... I love to make people happy. It makes me so happy to see people smile and to be able to give and do things for people...
I'm excited for the day when God reveals him to me:)
but for now... I have to stop worrying. stop searching so hard.
I could be looking too hard and end up missing him! haha
Life is beautiful.
I am loving it.

FALL!!!!!!

i am SO excited that it's finally Fall:) i wish it would stay all year haha. October is probably the best month of the year in my book! I'm anxiously awaiting pumpkin bagels from Einstein Bros. bagels to come out again. I can't wait! I've already had a good dozen pumpkin spice lattes since they came back at the beginning of September. I'm making a pumpkin roll in the next week or two and when I go home next week, my mom and i are going out to the Woodfire Inn for pumpkin martinis haha. yummmm!

I cant believe how fast time is flying! We leave in less than four weeks now for Europe. TOUR! ahh! I'm so excited!!! We played a show last night with Horse The Band, Heavy Heavy Low Low, and So Many Dynamos at Reggie's here in Chicago. It was probably the best show we've ever played. I had SO much fun and I nailed my parts and the other bands did AMAZING and were super supportive of each other. I don't even know. It was one of the most memorable nights of my life for sure. It's been too long since we've played a really good show.
Tonight we head to Grand Rapids to play Beardcore Fest 3 at Skelletones with the Burial and some other bands. I'm excited to be close to home again. I miss it a lot sometimes. Getting to hang out with Todd and Jake and Randy and whomever else may be there is going to be awesome. I miss my home friends a lot.

I've been going to the gym a lot more lately. Moving to the city i thought id for sure lose a ton of weight because id walk or ride my bike everywhere and i wouldnt be living close to home where i could go and pig out. boyyy was i wrong lol. There are food places everywhere you look. i normally stop in for coffee and a bagel or something else super horrible for me on my way to work or just when i get bored and wanna get out of the house. its bad news! I've gained 8 pounds since i moved here a month and a half ago! GROSS!!! so i gotta get that under control. and thats going to be kind of hard seeing Fall is here and i am addicted to pumpkin things and then comes Thanksgiving and Christmas, not to mention cold weather means less walking and no biking. BOO!! oh well.

I am way too addicted to the Twilight series of books by Stephenie Meyer. I am flying to L.A. in less than two months for the premier of the Twilight movie and to spend the week with my equally as obsessive bff Car hahaha. I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!! what I also cant wait for is to someday find my own Edward Cullen *swooon* hahahaha

okay its off to the show. Be blessed friends <3

what are you living for?
what is it that you put all of your time and effort into?
is it for money?
for your family?
for fame?
for material possession?
what is it that you spend most of your time living FOR?
That question was put in front of me today.
I wanted to say "God".
but is that REALLY it?
am i REALLY TRULY living FOR God?
one of my best friends is a missionary in India.
she told me that the people of India walk the streets.
they wear their religion on their sleeves.
the monks wear their sashes and robes.
the hindu people wear the red dots on their foreheads.
there are idols on street sides where people will bow and worship their idols.
to see that in the states would be pretty wild.
but, those are their Gods. they take pride in living for them.
back here though, we live more for other things.
like beauty.
money.
fame.
love.
etc. etc. etc.
pretty much it seems that media and money have become the "idols" of the United States.
most people's "God" in a sense.
some people spend their entire lives living and chasing after these things.
I have to say I'm probably very guilty of that myself.
I feel like I live for people's attention, approval, and affections.
I live also for my music.
and it's so great to be passionate about something.
to have goals, dreams, hopes, and desires.
but when those things come before God, and they BECOME our God...
how can we ever hope to accomplish anything when the thing we want
become more of a priority than the only way to RIGHTLY achieve our goals
and in a matter that is going to benefit us and the One who created us, most?
I dont know.
i just feel like I need to worry less about pursuing things in a selfish manner.
and just seek FIRST the KINGDOM of God and everything else will fall into place.

I read this and it just made everything click

Matthew 6
Giving to the Needy

1"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
2"So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 3But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Prayer

5"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
9"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
11Give us today our daily bread.
12Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.[a]' 14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Fasting

16"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 17But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
Treasures in Heaven

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
22"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. 23But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

24"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

Do Not Worry

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


i dont need to worry about if my band is going to make it big or not.
or if and when I'm going to meet/fall in love with/ marry my future husband.
or how to do my make up better.
or what clothes will make me look skinnier.
or how cool i can make my hair so that people think i look good and throw compliments at me.
i dont need to worry about having THINGS and having a ton of money and being able to pay my bills.
I need to stop making the world and its possessions my God and really give my life TO God.
KEEP HIM MY GOD.
He is amazing.
He is comforting.
He is passionate.
He is a provider.
A Healer.
A Lover.
A Fighter.
A Father.
A Friend.
A perfect and loving passionate graceful God.
HE is all we need to be happy and to live a full life.
Everything else will come if you just look past the "idols".
what am i living for?
(change...)

i move to Chicago in less than a week.
im excited.
im scared.
im happy.
im sad.
im a mixed mess of emotions i feel.
but thats okay:)
it'll be great i'm sure.
went to Lansing last night to say goodbye to my friends up there.
they threw the best party ever.
i love them dearly:)
i finally got my passport taken care of. whew! that definitely helps take a load off!
Darcy is home.
We're going to spend some goood quality time together. Her heart is amazing and she is SO close to Jesus.
Everytime I see her and talk to her i am SO encouraged and stretched just by the way that girl lives her life.
I want to be a woman like that. I want to be so close to God that i dont even have to say it and people know.
Tomorrow I'm going to get up and pack a bunch.
Clean a bunch.
Make it a point to not worry and really be happy.
I'm going to listen to good music and spend time with the Lord.
I'm going to talk to my friends and family.
I'm going to play my drums.
I'm just going to be responsible and do things I need to do.
and make myself happy by doing things i love to do.
Life should be good.
There's no reason it should be full of worry and depression.
<3

<3

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace!
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy."


you know, i'm really blessed with some incredible people in my life. i've had the opportunity to spend time with some people that just make it so evident that God is real, and He lives within His children. I've spent the past four years being scared so much of the time to be myself in fear of embarrassing someone else or annoying the heck out of them. But after giving all that i had and was to this last guy I dated I realized... the ONLY person I should ever change myself for is Jesus and changing my character and not being myself will never be asked of me. He's okay with how stupid and obnoxious I can be. He's okay with the fact that I have a drink sometimes and I like to walk out of the bathroom in my underwear and that I laugh too loud and get a kick out of really stupid things. That doesn't embarrass him. He loves me for ME. I think that's what's been so amazing about the people I've found myself surrounded with lately too. They love me for ME. Not for who they can change me into or for what I can do for them. It's beautiful.
I got to see my dear friend Jeremy. I thought about how close he and I used to be when he first started coming around. After he and Andrea got together and I got back together with Piper we just didn't talk anymore really. Still loved the kid to pieces. But we lost touch and became too consumed in things that were tearing us from who we are. I saw him two nights ago and holy crap. It was like I had my best friend back and we were gonna take over the WORLD!!!! hahaha. best hug EVER!!! I've decided that I'm going to make it a point to hang out with him as much as I can. He gets it. He's one of the few dudes in my life that I know we can talk about ANYTHING and we can hang out and be as stuuuuuuuuuuuupid as we want in front of each other, and we'll just laugh about it. God is redeeming the relationships in my life that I have missed. I couldn't be more happy for that!

I feel like I'm FINALLY where He wants me to be so the desires of my heart are becoming a reality. My band is taking off. We leave in early September for Atlanta to record our full length with Josh Scogin. Then We head to Norway with The Chariot in October for a tour with them and Benea Reach. ten days in Norway. I've never been on tour. and I've never even been to Canada! wtf?! hahaha. I'm moving to Chicago. I think I'm getting an apartment at least for six months with my bff Andrew. It's going to be pretty out of control. I'm planning to road trip to California to see my darling Carleen Uribe!!!!! and also my friend Matthew who just recently moved to L.A. I'm working out again. I'm seeing people. I'm living and loving as much as I possibly can and it's amazing. God is amazing.

i'm just more than ready to LIVE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!